Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Michele Bachmann Announces Retirement, Liberal Blogosphere Goes Dark

Earlier today Bachmann admitted Iowa corn dogs played role in retirement decision.

In a shocking development no progressive blogger could have predicted, Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann announced she would not seek reelection. She intends to serve out her term, which ends in 2014.

One after another, in a space of a few hours, liberal bloggers across the nation announced they'd be shuttering their websites, as most couldn't imagine life without Bachmann to kick around. Josh Marshall of Talking Points Memo averred, "We've had a good ride, but frankly, with Michele gone, what's left to write about, John Boehner? Gimme a break!"

Markos Moulitsas of Daily Kos was one holdout, but even he wasn't sure what lay in the future. "I don't know, we're stunned here at DK. I've been talking to staffers, and we've decided not to close up shop until after an editorial staff meeting called for tomorrow. Still, I gotta be blunt: The wind's just sorta out of our sails."

Moulitsas seemed adrift, from this reporter's perspective.

Duncan Black, who blogs under the name of Atrios at Eschaton, a longtime opponent of wingnuts,saw it differently. "I'm hanging in there," the Philadelphia-based blogger insisted. "I've got the bike wars heating up in NYC, not to mention that there's still a Congress in DC that's pretty f**ked up!" He admitted, though, writing about a body that never did anything was wearing thin. "Still, something's bound to come up," Black offered before cracking up.

That's where matters stood until late this afternoon when a spokesman for Texas senator Ted Cruz issued a statement that read in part, "Senator Cruz has volunteered to continue providing a steady stream of dizzying, mindbendingly, fundamentally wrong, untrue, or completely unfounded statements, such that our nation will not suffer a 'Bachmann gap.' The senator promises our country can count on him to more than take up where Michele Bachmann left off."

With that, the series of disheartened lefty bloggers turned on a dime. "We are f'ing back!" declared TPM's Josh Marshall. Markos Moulitsas announced the editorial meeting called for tomorrow would be put off indefinitely. Eschaton's Duncan Black said simply, "What Ted Cruz said."

And bells rang out across the land.

"Only a man of Ted Cruz' stature could fill Bachmann's shoes," offered William Krystol.

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