No Shame Dept.: VW "Explains" What It Did in Emissions Scandal

Yes, I fell in love with "green diesel" in 2010 and bought a Jetta TDI. Great gas mileage, super peppy, and full of torque. Also, it turns out, full of shit.

I loved this car. Fuckers.

Many of you must know that Volkswagen started a massive campaign to promote "green diesel," claiming that the new emissions devices had revolutionized diesel for good. Not only were the engines super efficient and clean, but full of torque and would last practically forever.

I bought it. So I bought the car, thinking, "I've got the state of the art and clean, clean, clean to boot." And for this old hippie, that was important.

It turns out that VW engineers, in their wisdom, figured the way to give it all that pep and torque was to have the emissions controls only "on" when the computer sensed it was being smog-tested. Bing! You pass! But in typical road conditions, the emissions controls were turned off and spewed 40 times the allowable nitrogen oxides.

Now I have to wait around to find out how they're going to fix it and compensate me. In the meantime, they are doing their best at damage control. Today, while trying to figure out how to smog my car and renew my registration, I was looking through one of VW's FAQ pages. Check this out:

1. Are the news reports of this "defeat device" true?

Government regulations limit the use of engine software that reduces the effectiveness of a vehicle’s emissions control systems.  Those are the “defeat device” regulations, and regrettably, VW did not comply with those regulations with respect to the 2.0L TDI vehicles identified in the EPA’s September 18, 2015 notice, and subsequent November 2, 2015 notice regarding 3.0L TDI vehicles.  We take full responsibility for our actions – and deeply regret that this happened.  We are fully cooperating with the relevant agencies investigating these issues.

Fuck those fucking fuckers for saying that with a straight face. Fuckers.