Calling You Out, Conservatives: You Suck at Sex!!

I mean it. It's clear from your leaders, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, Mitch McConnell, Roy Blunt, (don't make me go on!) that all of you hate sex and must really, really suck at it. You're going to have to work overtime to prove it to me or the freaking world, for that matter, so get busy. Your credibility is at risk. Clearly, you hate sex -- and women -- so much that your sexual acumen must be frighteningly sub-par. I assume, also, that your women must be gravely and deeply, if quietly, disappointed in all of you. I feel for them. I assume, since you live in a father-figure, male-dominated, authoritarian, paternalistic world, that it's not your women's fault. They're off the hook. You're not!!

Conservatives to women: Be afraid, be very, very afraid!

I'm right about this. Here's proof: Picture any conservative Republican, especially James Dobson, or Randall Terry, Tony Perkins, Gary Bauer, (don't make me go on!) having sex. See?

I really enjoyed this article at Talking Points Memo about the Blunt amendment, which will be debated today in the Senate. It was put forth by Roy Blunt, R-Mo., and its purpose is to provide anyone, anywhere a "conscience exception" on religious and moral grounds allowing them to refuse to provide birth control or other women's health services as provided for in the Affordable Care Act.

Top Republicans are working overtime to mask palpable concern within their party over a Thursday Senate vote to roll back an Obama administration rule requiring most employers to provide workers with contraceptive coverage in their health benefits.

Yet despite a growing sense that the GOP has veered into politically dangerous territory, a full-scale retreat would embarrass the party, and alienate a powerful segment of its conservative base. And that’s left Republicans little choice but to press ahead, illustrating the dangers they’ll face if election year politicking turns further from the economy toward culture war fights that voters thought were settled decades ago.

So, all you conservative women out there, I'm sorry. Your guys are setting you up. No sex for you!

And liberal, otherwise healthy women out there -- by that I guess I mean my tribe -- we're going to fight for your right (and conservative women's right, too) to have lots of healthy, guilt-free and worry-free sex whenever you want. We stand with you in this dark hour.

I was prompted to deliver this declaration after reading this Pandagon blog post by Amanda Marcotte, who, being a women, actually has standing on the question:

I realize talking about and defending female sexual pleasure is a hard thing to do. Our society still has a ton of shame around the topic. But that's what this fight is about. It's not even really about contraception, per se. That's why the Republican candidates, when asked about contraception, actually answered the question as if John King had said, "Where do you fall on the subject of women having sex without your explicit permission first?" (I'm serious; their answers about "out of wedlock" births and the like make way more sense if you substitute the phrase "unauthorized sex" for "contraception".)  We can only win this if we have a clean fight about it. And that means tackling the question of sex directly, and not chewing around the edges or worse, building our defenses around women who could theoretically be celibate but still on the pill.

 You're right, Amanda. (h/t Jay Ackroyd) I'll join you in this fight.

Santorum, yeah, I'm talking to you! There's one F-word you left out.

Hey, Rick Santorum, I got news for you. I was raised Catholic and attended Catholic high school and a Catholic university. My early sexual experiences were all with Catholic girls and women. In my own little world -- back in 1965 -- my first experience with sex, with a lovely Catholic girl, was mythic, legendary. Of course, it wasn't: I was a pimply-faced, sixteen-year-old kid who didn't know what he was doing. But it was sex, and it was wonderful, I've never forgotten it, I've rolled it around in my mind for almost fifty years, and I'm grateful to the young lady for having favored me.

Catholic school: My training ground! (May these ladies rule their world, and yours, Ricky!)

There's one thing I'll never forget. After I had sex for the first time, I thought about the Church's view, that my mythic, legendary, now-I'm-a-man, sexual act that felt soooo good condemned me to hellfire and suffering for eternity. Guess what? I mulled it over and decided that the Church's view on sex was a crock. It was no time before the whole house of cards came down. The Catholic Church, on all its levels, blew, and blew big time.

The Catholic Church's views on sex destroyed my faith! Whoopee!

I've spent all my life undergoing what might best be described as the Great Untwisting, a process of learning how to enjoy sex without feeling guilt, fear, or shame. Thanks a lot, asshole Catholics, dominated by celibate men! (Warning to little boys: not so celibate!) After years of diligence, I've done it (mostly, no thanks to pricks like you, Santorum), and I can look back with satisfaction and gratitude for the sex life I've had. I do regret that I was a Neanderthal who rarely thought about the expense the women were bearing so that I didn't have 85 kids. Sorry, I was a knucklehead. And a homophobe, and a dirty little boy, and a loser who said rosaries for penance in the back pews for my early concupiscence. Luckily, I got over it. I'm better now.

So, thanks, Amanda Marcotte, and all the women that put up with us cretins until we finally got a little wisdom. And to hell with all you conservative males, and I'm not sorry you suck hard at sex. It's your women that deserve my sympathy.

Update. I can't help but share this post (better left undiscovered, but...) with you. This guy must really suck hard at sex. These are the losers we should be fighting, right, Amanda? Thought so.

Update 2. The Blunt amendment was defeated 51-48, with three blue dogs in support. Holy crap.